The last ten years sucked, music-wise. We all know that. The big surprise is just how terrible the music scene got during the ’00s. How bad did it get? So bad, that I was able to come up with a list of the 50 worst songs of the past decade, including 19 other songs that didn’t make the top 50, and the Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out?” is nowhere to be found. So bad, that Britney Spears is only on the official list once, Gwen Stefani only three times, and Miley Cyrus didn’t even get a song past the first cut. So bad, in fact, that Soulja Boy didn’t get the #1 spot. Or even #2.
We’re releasing this list in two parts, but only because I fear that such a large amount of fail uploaded at one time would crash the entire internet. But first, let’s go over the criteria. The song had to have been released, either as a single or as part of an album, between 2000 and 2009. Aside from that, you know what to expect.
Buckle up, and bring some earplugs.
The 19 Honorable Mentions, or: I Swear I Didn’t Intentionally Make This List Contain a Total of 69 Songs, Honest
- Independant Woman – Destiny’s Child (2000)
I swear, for the longest time I thought the chorus to this song was “All the women/who’re independent/throw your hands up/Batman”.
- Pop – N’Sync (2001)
“What is the deal with this pop life/And when is it gonna fade out”. Quoth the pop group that broke up about six months later.
- Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet (2003)
I still can’t get over how sloppily performed this song was. I can’t imagine how hard it could’ve been to stay on beat, considering that 90% of the song is the same chord repeated over and over again.
- Milkshake – Kelis (2003)
Thank God I only heard the chorus to this song and nothing else. I don’t think I could stand much more.
- Have a Nice Day – Bon Jovi (2005)
Didn’t they record this song five years ago and call it “It’s My Life”?
- Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls (2005)
We get it. You’re sluts. How novel.
- Candy Shop – 50 Cent feat. Olivia (2005)
Brings back too many memories of that horrific Jaime Hepp period of my life, when this song seemed to play every night after spending eight hours of having proverbial doors slammed in my face.
- Tell Me When To Go – E-40 (2006)
Whenever the hell you want, if not sooner.
- Move Along – All-American Rejects (2006)
My first exposure to this band, which led me to believe that there’s a banshee somewhere in Tyson Ritter’s family tree.
- U + Ur Hand – Pink (2006)
I think I would prefer my hand to a human petri dish, actually.
- Chocolate Rain – Tay Zonday (2006)
And if you asked him, even Tay would probably admit this song is bad.
- Glamorous – Fergie (2007)
At least we know she can spell.
- Cyclone – Baby Bash (2007)
How sad is it that I can’t make sense of the lyrics even when I’m spotted the rhyming word.
- Love Remains the Same – Gavin Rossdale (2008)
Proof that Gwen Stefani is a musical vampire, because she sucked all the talent out of this man.
- Low/In the Ayer – Flo Rida (2008)
I still can’t tell either of these songs apart.
- I’m Yours – Jason Mraz (2008)
Only because it got to the point where I heard this song about 40 times a week.
- What I’ve Done – Linkin Park (2008)
Amazing that I managed to avoid these guys for so long. Only wish I could’ve held out longer.
- 1, 2, 3, 4 – Plain White T’s (2009)
The only band with the power to rot your teeth out with its songs.
- Kiss Me Thru the Phone – Soulja Boy Tell’em (2009)
Mincing, meaningless song from a mincing, meaningless artist.
- Welcome to the World – Kevin Rudolf (2009)
One these days, this guy is going to figure out what a melody is.
Numbers #50-26 of the Worst Songs of the Decade, or: If These Aren’t Even In the Top Half of the Countdown, I’m Scared to Read the Rest of the List
#50 Show Me What I’m Looking For – Carolina Liar (2009)
I’ll admit, I’d much rather listen to this song than just about anything else mentioned on this countdown, honorables included. But not six times a day.
#49 Butterfly – Crazy Town (2001)
When you start comparing your relationships to the Sex Pistols, that ought to be a pretty big red flag about your songwriting abilities.
#48 Chain Hang Low – Jibbs (2006)
Without question, this song wins the award for the most ridiculous sample in the history of hip hop. Do Your Ears Hang Low? Seriously?
#47 Live Your Life – T.I. feat. Rihanna (2008)
No word on whether or not these guys got the idea for this song by singing it into a webcam first.
#46 No One – Alicia Keys (2008)
One of the decade’s greatest talents seems unable to find the pitch on this one.
#45 The Sweet Escape – Gwen Stefani feat. Akon (2007)
Does anyone else find it ironic that the premise of this song is thrown away after a single line? “If I could escape, I would, but now here’s a 3-minute song having nothing to do about that.”
#44 Bent – Matchbox 20 (2000)
There is no one in the music industry today to sounds so annoyingly put-upon than Rob Thomas.
#43 Can’t Believe It – T-Pain feat. Li’l Wayne (2008)
I still don’t understand how someone can sell so many records when he uses a Speak & Spell to mask his voice.
#42 Right Round – Flo Rida feat. Kesha (2009)
The guy steals a song from the ’80s and then doesn’t even bother to get the words right.
#41 London Bridge – Fergie (2006)
The verses sound like she’s Rosie Perez. The chorus sounds like she’s a lawnmower trying to start. Oh snap.
#40 Womanizer – Britney Spears (2008)
When in doubt, repeat the same word 93 times in a row.
#39 Buy You a Drank (Shawty Snappin’) – T-Pain (2007)
Thing is, if your voice isn’t good, your lyrics should make up for it. If your lyrics are weak, you’d better be able to crank them out. This guy can’t go “Whoa-oh” without mechanical assistance.
#38 Blame It – Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain (2009)
Just so I can rid myself of this fake musician. Guess which one I’m talking about.
#37 Girlfriend – Avril Lavigne (2007)
Quite possibly the biggest poser in the business today. Every song of hers sounds like she’s just trying too hard to be a bad girl, when her idea of rebellion is to come home 30 minutes after curfew.
#36 La-La – Ashlee Simpson (2004)
One of the funniest moments of the decade was watching Simpson meow her way through this song at halftime of the 2005 Orange Bowl and have the crowd of 70,000 boo her lustily at the end.
#35 A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton (2002)
“If I could fall into the sky/Do you think time would pass me by/’Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles/If I could just see you tonight” I don’t think there was a worse series of lines all decade than that. I’ve read instruction manuals that were more poignant.
#34 When I Grow Up – Pussycat Dolls (2008)
The message of this song: if you don’t have big boobs and lots of money, everyone is going to laugh at you.
#33 Party Like a Rockstar – Shop Boyz (2007)
You know the genre of hip hop is in serious disarray when this plodding dirge of a song ends up being a hit.
#32 Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani (2005)
Prior to her solo career, Stefani specialized in ska. During her solo career, she specializes in scat. And I don’t mean the jazz singing, either.
#31 Please Don’t Leave Me – Pink (2009)
But I thought it was just me and my hand tonight! Make up your damn mind, woman!
#30 Never Leave You (Uh Oooh, Uh Oooh) – Lumidee (2003)
Does this woman even know what key she’s supposed to be singing in?
#29 So What – Pink (2008)
And now we go back to the old, standoffish, better-than-anyone-with-a-Y-chromosome-deserves Pink. I swear, this woman’s a schizophrenic.
#28 Boom Boom Pow – Black-Eyed Peas (2009)
This song makes about as much sense as a gloibnark flikelshmozz.
#27 Hot & Cold – Katy Perry (2008)
It’s not a promising sign when you’re on your second single and you’re already resorting to the cheapest songwriting tactic in the book: the opposite song.
#26 Wind it Up – Gwen Stefani (2006)
Yes, you are hearing correctly. She is indeed yodeling. And the saddest part is, that’s probably the best part of the song.
Worst Songs of the Decade #25-11, or: If This Were a Compilation Album, It’d Be Called “Now That’s What I Call Torture”
#25 Umbrella – Rihanna feat. Jay-Z (2007)
Ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, and so on, and so forth.
#24 Fall For You – Secondhand Serenade (2008)
A song that was so whiny and emo I thought it was another Rejects song.
#23 Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s (2007)
Why do the verses of this song remind me of “My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R”?
#22 The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang (2000)
We get it. You’re horndogs. How novel.
#21 My Humps – Black-Eyed Peas (2005)
Funny thing is, these guys managed to fool people into thinking they were a revolutionary new hip hop group when they first came out. This song was pretty much their way of saying, “Suckers!”
#20 Call Me When You’re Sober – Evanescence (2006)
Every song by this group sounds exactly the same – like it belongs in a bad vampire movie.
#19 Fire Burning – Sean Kingston (2009)
Dude really needs to stop eating a bag of caramels before recording sessions.
#18 All Summer Long – Kid Rock (2008)
Warren Zevon does a quarter-turn in his grave every time this song is played.
#17 One Thing – Finger Eleven (2003)
The “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” of the 2000s. They sing the chorus SIX TIMES over the course of a 4 1/2-minute song, and repeat the same four lines another three times. And the rest of the words make it clear why they need to rehash so much.
#16 Arab Money – Busta Rhymes feat. Ron Brownz (2008)
I still think the chorus sounds like someone stuck a fork in the garbage disposal.
#15 Poker Face – Lady GaGa (2009)
It truly is a sad day in our society when a song that contains the line “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin” can go double-platinum.
#14 Paper Planes – MIA (2008)
Tone-deaf, incoherent, with an incredibly annoying sample track, we can only hope that MIA is indeed never seen or heard from again.
#13 Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) – Beyoncé (2009)
Turn off those damn windshield wipers!
#12 Freaxxx – Brokencyde (2009)
Either these guys are the most talentless bunch of drug-addled waifs to ever hit the music scene, or they are the most brilliant musical satirists to come along since Allan Sherman.
#11 I’m in Miami Trick/Bitch – LMFAO (2009)
The lilt in the frontman’s voice just about gives me a nosebleed every time I hear it.
Worst Songs of the Decade #10-2, or: So Bad, You Wonder How They Didn’t Get the #1 Ranking
The next three songs on this list all commit the same sin: repeating a particular line to the point of absurd excess and monotony. As a public service, I will now transcribe the offending line in each song, the number of times it was repeated in each song. Brace yourselves.
#10 Shake It – Metro Station (2008)
“Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it.”
#9 A Bay Bay – Hurricane Chris (2007)
“Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay. Ay Bay Bay.”
#8 Laffy Taffy – D4L (2005)
“Shake that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy, that Laffy Taffy.”
#7 Let it Rock – Kevin Rudolf (2008)
And now to continue the theme, here’s a song that just repeats the same note over and over all the way through. Seriously. There are 283 notes sung from start to finish. 242 of them are Middle D. Yes, I counted.
#6 Beautiful Girls – Sean Kingston (2007)
How do you earn my eternal scorn? Take one of the most soulful, stirring ballads ever written, and make it a sample for an horribly vapid song sung by someone whose Jamaican accent is so excruciatingly thick that he sounds like his alphabet contains nine vowels.
#5 Don’t Trust Me – 3OH!3 (2009)
Shush guys, shut your mouths. Do the Ronald Reagan, and die of a degenerative mental disorder.
#4 You’re Beautiful – James Blunt (2006)
The song that no living person was able to avoid hearing less than twelve times a day when it was climbing the charts. That only serves to make the fact that the song itself was one of the most inane things to come on the radio in years. OK, we get it. She’s beautiful, and you can’t have her. Stop moaning about it. Literally.
#3 Crank Dat – Soulja Boy Tell’Em (2007)
Amazing how popular this song became, considering that Soulja Boy himself sounds totally disinterested in what he’s saying. Even his “Ooooooh!”s don’t sound all that convincing if you really pay attention to the song. And of course, what would a write-up of this song be without mentioning a catchphrase that I’m so glad never caught on – “Superman that ho”.
#2 It Ends Tonight – All-American Rejects (2006)
The one song that makes me physically cringe when it comes on. I honestly don’t know what’s worse about this song: the screeching voice of Tyson Ritter whose Middle G seems to perfectly rub against the pain receptors in my brain, or the drivel that passes for lyrics, such as the opening line “Your subtleties strangle me/I can’t explain myself at all”. This song is incomprehensibly bad all the way around – but nowhere near as terrible as the next song on the list.
AND THE WORST SONG OF THE DECADE IS…
#1 Last Resort – Papa Roach (2000)
This is the only song on the countdown that actually makes me angry at its existence. I understand there’s an audience for this type of music, and while I’m obviously not in that fanbase, I do have a willingness to accept music out of my range of taste as potentially enjoyable to others. It is incomprehensible that anyone would want to listen to it, even for the obvious cathartic purposes these guys had in mind. What sets Last Resort from every other song on the list is that as bad as all of those other songs may be, they’re bad in an innocuous sense, much like a B-movie from the ’50s that was horribly produced but at least fun to riff on. Last Resort is a song that has no redeemable quality to it. It’s a hateful, malicious, despicable screed where some whiny emo punk wails for 3 1/2 minutes about wanting to ragequit his life. If the premise of the song were any less destructive, I’d look at the over-the-top lyrics as laughable, not reprehensible, and the monotonous guitar riffs would just be written off as forgettable, rather than repulsive. As it stands, my reaction to this song is that of visceral disgust that is so strong, it took me about 2 hours to write this paragraph because I almost couldn’t put it into words.
All of the other songs I’ve mentioned have been sorely lacking in musical quality to varying degrees. But you know what? I’ll take the vapid, the repetitive, the mincing, the nonsensical, the overpackaged, and the shrill, over this musical plague, and do it happily. Papa Roach, you are responsible for the Worst Song of the Decade, and you won it in a landslide. Now go away, and never record another song again.
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That’s going to put the lid on our list of the Worst Songs of the Decade. I hope you guys enjoyed reading it, even if you may not necessarily agree with everything I have on here or where they ranked. I’ll see you guys next time, when I’m sure the state of popular music will be even worse than it is now.
