Granted, 2008 is getting close to a month and a half old, but I’ve had this thing brewing for a while. I just haven’t really had the opportunity (or motivation) to do this until now.
2007, in my view, was one of the worst years in music that I’ve ever experienced. With the exception of maybe three songs (two of which are by Maroon 5), every song that I heard this year stunk. On that note, I give you:
“It Ends Tonight”, All-American Rejects
Left off the list only because the song came out in December of 2006 and not in ’07, I have to mention this song because the casino sees a need to play this song at least once every four hours. It’s the ultimate nails-on-a-chalkboard song, because the very moment the vocals start, you feel like your brain’s just been rubbed against a cheese grater. The lyrics also drip with emo angst – from the very first line, “Your subtleties strangle me/I can’t explain myself at all”, you know you’re in for a bunch of melancholy ramblings that make no sense.
“Sweet Escape”, Gwen Stefani
Another 2006 song, but again needs to be mentioned. Even though I dig the main guitar riff played through the song, the lyrics are horrible. Just when you think the former No Doubt singer’s run completely out of ideas, she starts singing about sour milk left out of the fridge. A dollar says her next hit is going to feature her lamenting moldy bread and tepid coffee.
I got whiplash from crashing my car. There’s a shit stain back on the wall. I seriously thought that’s what the lyrics were the first time I heard it.
“A Bay Bay”, Hurricane Chris
I can only figure out two things in this song. One, a bay bay. And second, he’s in a club of some sort.
Anything involving T-Pain
Did someone sign Stephen Hawking to a recording contract and not tell the rest of us?
5. “Girlfriend”, Avril Lavigne
Honestly, when Avril first came out, I really didn’t dislike her very much. True, she came off as a teeny-bopper attempt at Alanis Morrisette, but “Complicated” and “Happy Ending” were at the very least listenable. But this is just dreck. It sounds like Tony Basil’s “Mickey” put through a blender – and that song was only tolerable in small doses to begin with.
4. “Umbrella”, Rihanna
This song can be summed up using two words: “ella” and “eh”. Just repeat those 50 times for four minutes and you’ve got this song.
3. “Hey There Delilah”, Plain White Ts
Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City, man this song’s so damn annoying that I want to jab a toothpick in my eyes. Dear Lord, I think I’m going to cry. Please tell me why. Hey there Delilah, all these lyrics sound so cheesy and I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I’m keep playing only these two chords – I wrote this song when I was bored. I hear you snore. Oh, this song puts me to sleep. Oh, this song puts me to sleep.
2. “Beautiful Girls”, Sean Kingston
Yes, the very same Sean Kingston I castigated months ago for humping the corpse of Ben E. King, turning what was once a stirring and simple ballad to the sample for this car wreck of a song. Here’s a lesson in how to sing like Sean Kingston: All your U’s become double-O’s, and all your long I sounds have a W in front of them.
Let’s give it a try:
You’re way too byootiful girl
That’s why it’ll never work
You’ll have me sooicidal, sooicidal
When yoo say it’s over
See it’s very defwyne, girl
One of a kwynd
But you mush up my mwynd
Yoo walk to get declwyned
My baby is drwyving me crazy
That sounds about right. (Or shall I say, rwyght.)
1. “Crank Dat”, Soulja Boy
The first thing that makes this song so goddamn irritating is the incessant steel drums that play throughout the whole thing. Next is the way everyone screams “Oooooohhh!!” every three seconds. Then you’re trying to figure out that line they keep repeating (“Crank dat Soulja white meat”? “Crank dat Soulja wifey”? “Crank that Soulja why me”? “Crank dat Soulja Wyatt Earp”?) And finally, I’m sure I was not alone in the world when I had no clue what the hell it means to “Superman that ho” – just as I’m sure I was not alone in being absolutely horrified at the answer and wished I’d never brought the subject up. Kinda like that whole 2 Girls 1 Cup thing.
You’ll notice that the top two songs – as well as the #4 entry and a healthy portion of the Honorable Mention list – are hip-hop and R&B songs. That’s because apparently our educational system has gotten so bad nowadays that inner-city kids no longer have the vocabulary skills to even write a three-minute song without resorting to nonsense words and repeating the same line 12 times in a row. I’ll be honest – I would rather listen to Snopp Dogg or another one of those ’90s gangsta rappers that had no redeeming quality to their music than the musical diarrhea that passes for rap nowadays. At least those guys had some meter and rhyme working for them.
As for this year’s competition, Alicia Keys’ No One has chimed in as an early favorite. I don’t know what happened to this woman, but all of a sudden she can’t sing a song without being a quarter-step flat the entire time.