With less than two weeks remaining in the year, it’s time to let you guys in on the kind of torture that I’m subjected to at work at least three days a week – the Top 20 satellite radio station that plays 24 hours a day at the casino. As a result, I’m forced to listen to the same 20 songs on an endless loop. And trust me, of the 20 songs they play, about -2 of them are any good.
And so, it is with profound Schadenfreude that I present to you the list of the Top 10 Worst Songs of 2008 With Five Bonus Songs Because This Year’s Music Sucked So Bad A Top 10 List Isn’t Enough!
The criteria for this list is simple:
* A complete lack of musical and/or lyrical quality throughout the song. Bonus points for repeating the same line or singing the same note for more than four measures.
* The popularity of the song outside of my sphere of influence. I’m not being a contrarian, mind you; just that the more popular a song is, the more they play it on a station, to the point that a few of the songs on this list are songs that I’ve had to listen to more than four times in an eight-hour period. And yes, I did count.
* The propensity for the song to get stuck in my head, despite the fact that I utterly despise it and would rather have this in my head.
Dishonorable Mentions, or: Songs That Suck So Badly They Couldn’t Even Crack The Top 10 of Suckiest Songs, and Hence Suck at Sucking
Pussycat Dolls, “When I Grow Up”
Look, I’m not going to ask for these ladies to act as role models for an increasingly paranoid teenage female populace. But could they at the very least not sound like they’re laughing at these girls for not being a size 2 with 36 DDs?
Britney Spears, “Womanizer”
You’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, you’re a womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer.
Oh, yeah – ah-ah.
T.I. feat. Rihanna, “Live Your Life”
Last year, Rihanna made the list for “Umbrella”. (Ella, ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, ella, ell- oh, screw it.) This year, she barely misses the top 10 despite the fact that she resorted to sampling the fucking Numa Numa song.
Not for any particular song, but I just wanted to point out that Chris Daughtry has become this decade’s Scott Stapp: a man who thinks he’s totally hardcore, but is actually about as hardcore as a pillow covered in Twinkies and surrounded by packing peanuts. This man is so not hardcore, Nickelback thinks he’s a wuss.
Gavin Rossdale, “Love Remains the Same”
Proof once again that coming into contact with Gwen Stefani is hazardous not just to your health, but your musical talent as well. (And I wasn’t particularly fond of Bush to begin with, but at least those songs had more than one note.)
Busta Rhymes w/ Ron Brownz, “Arab Money”
Missed the list only because the name and artist was a mystery until nangbaby clued me in to it after this list was published. Just listen to it at about the 0:11 mark, and ask yourself how the hell anyone would want to listen to a song that sounds like that. Sounds like someone put a fork in the garbage disposal.
The Top 10 of Suck, Or: I Am Going to Hunt Down Every Person Who Made T Pain Famous and Make Them Regret That Decision
#10 – Pink, “So What”
I know you’re not supposed to pay attention to the lyrics of a pop song, but the “na”s make more sense than the rest of the song combined.
#9 – Flo Rida, “Low” and “In the Ayer”
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – “Wait, you’ve got two songs in the #9 spot.” No I don’t. They’re the same damn song. Don’t believe me? Listen to them and convince me otherwise. The only difference between them is the one note they cling to the entire chorus as if attempting an actual melody would make their brain explode, Scanners-style.
#8 – Katy Perry, “Hot & Cold”
Are we sure that she and Pink aren’t the same person? Has anyone ever taken a picture of the two of them in the same room at the same time? It’s like the Peter Parker/Spider-Man conundrum of horrible female singers who think they’re badass but would probably tie for the award of Most Likely to Marry Chris Daughtry and Have A Child With Him Named Corn-Nut.
#7 – Alicia Keys, “No One”
The early favorite for the title, Keys eventually fell short thanks to plenty of other entries being far worse, combined with Keys’ prior reputation as being a good singer. This song was viewed more as a misstep for her than an actual abomination. That said, she’s a quarter-step flat the entire song. For someone who actually knows a thing or two about pitch, that can get excruciating.
#6 – T Pain feat. Lil Wayne, “Can’t Believe It”
I still find it inexplicable that a man noodling on his Voice Box is considered popular enough that I have to listen to this song once every ninety minutes. This while Peter Frampton is reduced to doing Geico commercials. No justice in this world, I tell you.
And now, the Top 5, or: If These Songs Sucked Anymore, the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland Will Be The Least of Our Worries
#5 – Secondhand Serenade, “Fall For You”
This song cracks the top 5 thanks in part to the fact that I thought it was by All-American Rejects, and I spent a good 15 minutes trying to Google this song with AAR in the search field before discovering that there’s another band fronted by a whiny manboy that sings incredibly lugubrious emo-ballads in a voice that resembles a howler monkey with colic.
#4 – Kid Rock, “All Summer Long”
For the first two months that this song was out, I’d hear the first four measures and think, “Warren Zevon! Werewolves of London! I can rock out to this!” only to realize that the song was actually Kid Rock waxing about how he and his underage girlfriend would get drunk and high while listening to “Sweet Home Alabama”. That’s right, “Sweet Home Alabama”. Not even “Werewolves of London”. So basically, they use Zevon’s classic hit to ensnare us into listening a far inferior song about another song that still isn’t even as good as WoL. The musical equivalent of a bait and switch.
#3 – Metro Station, “Shake It”
Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it. Shake shake, shake shake, shake it.
That’s the number of times you hear that line during the song. No joke.
And that’s to say nothing of the lead singer, who looks as if he got his lip pierced with a metal pimple.
#2 – MIA, “Paper Planes”
Judging by the chorus of this song, it sounds as if someone thought it’d be a good idea to combine Rump Shaker and I Go Chop Your Dollar. Seriously, I’m surprised the lyrics to this song don’t include the line “Just shake your butt” or “You be da mugu”.
And the winner of The Worst Song of 2008 is…
#1 – Kevin Rudolf, “Let it Rock”
This song is 4 minutes long, and 95% of it is the same middle D over and over again. At least when rappers rap, their speech pattern makes it so that their pitch varies naturally. This sounds like the guy couldn’t think of a melody for the song, so he just figures he’ll keep singing that middle D until something else comes to mind. And did I mention that I’ve had to listen to this song at least four times a night for the past month? Combine its utter absence of quality with its complete and total inescapability, and you have a hands-down winner for the worst song of 2008.
Congratulations to all the entrants. Now get off the airwaves, join a monastery/convent, and take a lifelong vow of silence.